“Waiting for My Train”

The train station is boring. It’s not painful, or uncomfortable, or unpleasant, it’s just boring. I feel like I’ve been sitting here a couple of lifetimes. Once upon a time, I was riding on an exciting train. It was full of trials and tribulations. There was anxiety, fear, and adventure. It was full of surprises. Things were happening, and although I was not always thrilled by the action, it was nice to be distracted. Eventually I was forced to get off – and now I’m here.

I’m waiting for my next train. I have no idea what it is. I don’t know what time it’s supposed to get here (it could be five minutes, or it could be five years). There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make it come faster.

There is no one around me, no one to share my boredom with.

I think I mentioned it was not painful, uncomfortable, or unpleasant. I changed my mind, it’s actually all of those things combined. I’m being forced to wait, and I can’t do anything but deal with it.

I know what the solution is. Someone is whispering it inside me. If I quiet my mental chatter, I can hear it coming straight from my gut:

“You have to be patient. The next train is coming. When it arrives, you will be scared to get on. When you get on, it will be so intense, that you will long for these times of peace.

If you let yourself fall into that cycle you will never be happy. When you’re riding a train you will hope for the train station. When you wait at the train station you will hope for the train. That is the easiest way to let life pass you by without ever truly enjoying it. Enjoy the peaks. Enjoy the valleys”.

“Sure” I say.

All of those things are true, and they were very helpful six months ago. They helped me put things into perspective. They helped me take control of the situation. I decided there was nothing wrong with waiting. I grabbed a book, and took advantage of the opportunity to improve myself, become a better person, and prepare for the next train. I did that.

But I’m still waiting, and the same pep talk is just not going to help anymore. Now I’m just angry.

“I feel you” the voice says.

“I applaud you for taking control of the situation. I’m proud of you for reading those books and strengthening your character. You’re clearly better prepared for the next train. But your anger is not going to make the train come any faster. Tell me one thing: are you now flawless?”

“No”

“Are there other things you could be working on?”

“Sure”

“Then there is no reason to stop taking advantage of this opportunity. Don’t turn yourself into a victim. There is nothing wrong with waiting”

“You’re right. I’ll pull out another book and start reading”

CHOO! CHOOOO!

“Holy shit! It’s coming! I think I hear it! Am I ready? I’m not ready! NO! Make it stop, I need more time to prepare!”

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